Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

peak technology

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.