Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

You’ll be OK

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”