Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.