Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

🤣

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

What happened to the other hiker??!

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos