@FlyJ_

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

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@rablivingstone

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

@Xoolun

Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again

@daemonic3

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

@VisionBored1

FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.

@bornmiserable

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

@iRowlf

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?