please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
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A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My Plans 2020
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.