Please donβt block me ππππ
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the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
your daddy is a what now?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Iβm the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah weβre well aware thereβs no fruit named βcool blueβ
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
βDeb, every year I tell you I donβt want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is βcute.β And look, weβre right on schedule.β
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
All right then, keep your secrets
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow