Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.