Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.