Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot