Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.