Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
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Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.