Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Finished stitching this today 😇
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice