Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
smh
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.