Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
The chart results are in…
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite