Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
it is time once again
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[Honest cooking show]
…and now we’ll add just a few slices of red onion to completely overpower the flavor of anything else.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]