Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.