Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
phew
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
