Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

HELP 😭

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot