Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
At least my masseuse has my back.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.