Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

lmao

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*