please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
This cat wants you to take your pills
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Cucumbers Anonymous
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻