Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”