Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

So we got a goldfish…

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …