Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???