please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
🏙👨🏼
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
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I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.![]()
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.