Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.