Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.