Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”