Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

Good dog. ❤️

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

sometimes we need to be reminded

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.