Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

I occasionally drink every single night.

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”