Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

🤔😂😂

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.