Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.