Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
As per my previous tablet…
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Basically.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
*updates tinder bio*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW