Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
There’s only one good girl here!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s