Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Girl, same.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what