Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them