Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
the three branches of government
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks