Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I stand by it
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t