Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter