Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
