Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
he’s doing your taxes
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE