“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
me linking you to my twitter
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.