“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.