“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
why would tinder want me to say this
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*