“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
When I face a minor setback
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.