Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

dude it’s called proctologist

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?