“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?