Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

This took me a second..

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.