Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
You Might Also Like
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.