Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
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Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
*pronounces patio like ratio
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
how to market bottled water to dads
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.