Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

ㅤㅤ

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”