Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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How to properly lift a body
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter