Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works