Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.