Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Can’t stop laughing

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.