“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Voodoo map
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
lol
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.