Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

GM✌🏻

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.