Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

Dietest Coke

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.