“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.