Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
@funTweeters
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Great game to play with friends
adding to the discourse
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
how to have fun when you’re poor
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.