Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.