Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

I’d rather go liquor treating.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

My plans: 2020:

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.