Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This billboard speaks to me

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

just witnessed a drug deal

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.