Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.