Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

I love the honesty

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!