Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Simple enough.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

#MeanwhileInCanada