Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.