Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Last-minute gift idea!
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch