“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
You Might Also Like
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun