Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either