Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Never be a pizza!

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.