Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie