Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.

Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time