Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Every BBC series about the universe.

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*