The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here