please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here