Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

i’m still crying at this

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.