Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
You are what you delete.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
wtf is a larm clock?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
as the prophecy foretold
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.