Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*