Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

😭😭😭

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.