Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Oh. My. God.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”